If you’re anywhere close to my age, you probably remember comedian George Carlin. He had a routine called something like “The 7 Words you can’t say on TV.” He’d have to update it today, because I think I’ve heard at least 5 of them on shows on a routine basis. But I digress . . .
Today I’m going to do my own version of that routine – blog edition, with a twist. It won’t be words you can’t say. It will be words Guaranteed to increase your spam.
For example, last night I went to the post-surgical discussion group at the weight loss center. It’s good to get info and hear other’s stories before you have the bariatric surgery yourself. It gives you a more realistic idea of what you’re getting yourself into.
Well, that’s the first word: WEIGHT
Whether you talk about losing weight, gaining weight, weight loss surgery, weight loss diets, recipes to aid in weight loss, the role of exercise in weight loss – it doesn’t matter. As soon as you put those words in, you’ll get spam from folks pushing any and every kind of pill, whether their for weight loss or not. I mean, I haven’t yet seen any research linking viagra or prozac to weight loss, but without a doubt, they’ll be included. If you’ve seen fit to add the DIET, you’ll be swamped with comments on diet plans, diet pills, diet scams, diet web pages.
The second word is: HEALTH
It doesn’t matter whether your talking health improvement, good health or bad health, here come the drug ads. Physical health or mental health? No need to specify – you’ll get spam on both anyway. Add specifics for additional spam attractiveness. Fibromyalgia will get you drugs sites and miracle cures like special juices. Bi-polar disorder or depression – drugs again. In fact, any health condition you can think of will get you drugs – mostly unrelated to the condition!
Another words to attract spam: INSURANCE
Heaven forbid you are using the the word in a generic manner – no one will care. You’ll be flooded with spam from folks trying to sell you health insurance, life insurance, pet insurance, car insurance, home insurance. You’ll also get spam from upstanding attorneys trying to convince you that they can get you more from your insurance settlement than you will on your own (not true – I worked in insurance claims for 10 years – we trusted attorneys much less than the injured parties).
A related word: ACCIDENT
This word will get you a combination of the results of all of the above – drugs, insurance salespersons, lawyers and bogus medical advise.
A word you don’t even have to mention: SEX
As I said, you don’t even have to use the word sex to get sex spam. You can write about the beauty of Hilton Head Island or the wildlife at Yellowstone National Park and still get spam for pornography. They get very “clever” about it, too. You’ll get a comment that seems legit – “Nice site you have here” – with a link to a site you wouldn’t visit if your life depended on it. You also get the ones who think that, by putting sexual words into an otherwise innocuous message. Some are really bold – mentioning terms and fantasies best left in the bedroom – someone else’s bedroom!
How about MEDICATION? More drug ads than you’ll be able to read – at least without taking some aspirin. Or Tylenol. or Alleve. Mention a specific medication – for anything – and your odds of spam increase. They go crazy for things like viagra, prozac, flexeril, lipitor, elavil.
Why am I putting all these spam attractors into one post? Well, this morning when I checked, my spam killed count was 946. I figure we all need goals, so I decided my goal for the day would be to attract enough spam to put me over 1000. So, once more with emphasis:
MEDICATION, SEX, ACCIDENT, INSURANCE, HEALTH, WEIGHT, DIET
Let’s see what that gets me. George Carlin, eat your heart out …..