I’ll just bet that title got a lot of attention.
The other day I noted that I had taken a bit of a detour and that was one reason I hadn’t posted for a bit. I would like to be able to blame that detour on fibro fog or senility (I am, after all, closing in on 57), but alas I cannot. I have promised honesty and I must, therefore, admit the embarrassing facts.
I was stupid.
There I said it. That wasn’t so bad. But there has really been a lot of pain associated with it – not all of it mine. So here’s the “Cliff Notes” version of the past month.
Through a series of normal, every day circumstances, I was unexpectedly reconnected with a boyfriend I had almost 40 years ago. His blog spoke of losing (at that time) 134 pounds. I had never known a real person who did that. I commented on his blog. We spoke. He told me he’d been searching for me. We chatted online. My mind went off on tangents I didn’t know were there.
Boy, was I confused. How could I feel that way about someone I hadn’t seen for all that time? Could I really care that much?
Mind you, my rational side was trying to get a few words in . . . but for several weeks I was absolutely deaf to it. I think I must have been temporarily insane. In some ways, I should be grateful to my old friend. Though he is single, he would not consider moving past the “friends” stage – his morality, his ethical beliefs and (I learned later on) his very bad experiences would not allow him to do that. Actually, I didn’t mean to say I should be grateful. I am grateful.
This weekend, after far too much foolishness, I sat down and talked to my husband. I knew I had hurt him by keeping him in the dark. He knew something was going on, but he didn’t know what. He had his suspicions – many of which were untrue – but he had nothing to go on – except that he “knew” me and knew I wasn’t behaving normally. I told him about the temporary insanity. I asked him to try to be a friend to my old friend. Talk about asking for a lot!
Maybe it was because I have begun to exercise and lose weight again after being inspired by my friend’s success. Maybe it was because we have such a solid relationship to begin with. Maybe it’s just because my husband is such an awesome person. Whatever the reason, my husband forgave my stupidity. He knew I never stopped loving him. I told him I never did – that any thoughts I had always included the fact that he loved me and I loved him. That was why I was so confused and acted so stupidly. He has since told me I cannot use the word stupid about myself again, though he agreed that it fit perfectly in this case.
It is a happy ending, though I am paying a price this week. All the stress and tears have really set off a fibromyalgia flare up! It’s a small price to pay for sanity and love. I knew it would happen because the negative emotions (fear, anger, emotional pain) always set off fibro flares. The wonderful, generous man I am married to is one of the few that I have ever met who understands fibromyalgia, who can live well with someone with fibromyalgia. He takes care of me so well. I have had back massages and he has taken care of the irritating concerns of daily life for the past two days so that I can get my body back in balance and reduce the pain – all in spite of the fact that my stupidity hurt him deeply.
I have had some positive results from my stupidity. I have remembered why I love my husband so very much. I have lost over 10 pounds so far. I have gotten stronger physically by walking that treadmill. I have found my marriage stronger.
But I still wouldn’t recommend it as the way to go.
Listen to that still, small voice inside you that’s telling you what is important. It’s telling you the truth!