I should clarify that. I do feel physical pain. You can hardly avoid that when you live with Fibromyalgia.
I don’t feel anything about learning that my stepfather has esophageal cancer. We found out today. I don’t feel any emotions about it at all. I don’t understand that.
I do feel emotions about other people and other things. But not about my stepfather. He was never abusive to me or anyone in the family. He’s loud but when you have a fair amount of hearing loss, that’s not uncommon. He used to drink when I was in high school, but all he did was get loud then, too. He loved my mother and she loved him. He supported the family along with my mother. He has been a wonderful grandfather to my 2 children.
So why don’t I feel anything? Not one blessed thing? I don’t know.
I do feel sorry for my children, worrying about their grandfather so soon after my mother died. Whatever happens, it will be difficult for them. My daughter knows what her grandfather is like – she wasn’t surprised that his statement to the doctor, after having treatment suggested, was, ” I’m 85. We all have to die of something.”
I am most concerned about my sister. She is close to my stepfather. She lived more years with him and my mother after they married. I was off to college and marriage. My sister is also a breast cancer survivor – almost 15 years now! She knows the fight ahead of my stepfather, if he chooses to fight it. I could see the fear in her eyes this morning.
So I have feelings for my children and my sister. But I have no feelings about my stepfather. I am not sad or worried or fearful or anything else. Nothing negative, nothing positive. Nothing.
I’ll let you know if any feelings surface along the way.