If you’ve ever read my posts before, you may have come across a post now and then that seemed . . . well, I guess the best word for it would be weird. I admit it. I have had some “interesting” experiences in my life. Some would call them spiritual, some would call them extrasensory, some would call them intuitive and many would call them plain old strange.
Whatever you call them, they are real. They did occur and it was not my imagination (I’m not that creative!). I really did hear a voice tell me that my mother was dying. I heard it with my ears, not in my mind, in the middle of a room where it was obvious that no one else heard anything. So these things actually happen.
I try to ignore them at the time they happen. I try to convince myself I didn’t really just experience whatever it was. It could not have happened that way. But they are invariably proved accurate.
I’m telling you about the past because it happened again yesterday – and I am again trying to convince myself it did not.
Yesterday afternoon, when my husband and I arrived home in Massachusetts after a few days in Maine, we discovered about an inch and a half of snow/ice coating our driveway and sidewalk. Not a lot, to be sure, just enough that it needed to be removed. I knew my husband was not happy about this. But he is a very responsible man and he loves me, so he went out to scrape the ice as soon as we moved the luggage in.
I set about emptying the suitcase and putting things away. I checked on him once in a while. He likes to know I’m paying attention to what he’s doing, so I oblige him. Not very difficult. Until the last time I looked out.
He couldn’t see me that last time because of the door frame on the porch. But I saw him. And what I saw scared me out of my wits! I did not see my 52 year old, strong husband. I saw a man who looked like he was in his 70’s – pale, slow, out of breath and clearly not strong. Every movement he made seemed a struggle. Even his face looked older, more wrinkled and uncharacteristically tired. I stood mesmerized by the sight as the thought occurred to me that, if he didn’t changed his ways, he would be dying sooner than I would — and sooner than I would like!
I shook my head, started breathing again and looked back out the window. There was my husband, definitely tired but not looking like what I had just seen. I didn’t wave out the window this time. I went back into the house and paced. The unpacking was done. What else could I do so I could forget that scene? I knew in my heart I had to tell him about it.
My husband made a promise to me when we were first married — that he would let me die first. I know, just when you thought I couldn’t get weirder. But that promise has it’s basis in the fact that everyone I have loved, starting when I was 12 and my father died unexpectedly, has left me. I didn’t think I could bear it to lose him. So he told me he would let me go first. Silly, perhaps, but loving in my eyes.
You might wonder why I should let this bother me at all, in light of the fact that he is 5 years younger than I am, has had heart tests that show the heart of a 25 year old and is the healthiest person I know. In the past year I have had “feelings” that he was going to die. They were not like this. They were just the slightest of feelings that I have brushed off like some many bread crumbs. This one felt like someone was trying to really get my attention. It worked! I’m now pushing down that fear of loss full-time.
I did talk to him about it. He said he will try to do something about his weight (which is up a bit in the past 6 months or so) and try to get more exercise. I know how hard that is to do. I am struggling with those things myself. I know it is all about motivation. I finally found something that means enough to me to get me to do the hard things. I hope my husband’s promise to me is motivation enough.
He did tell me once that he would throw himself in front of a bus to keep me safe. This should be easier than doing that!!