For the past week or so, I have been unable to motivate myself to do anything creative. I have been less than passionate about much of anything. I haven’t been writing (so you’ve noticed), I haven’t been enjoying music (there are reasons), I haven’t been calling the rez much (I have no sponsors right now anyway).
Yesterday I took a day off for myself – a kind of retreat day. I took everything I might need in case I found myself “awakened” by a muse hiding under a rock or behind a street sign. I had the camera, a couple of books to read, my notebook computer and a regular notebook in case I felt compelled to write, my iPhone with musics and CD’s for music, a snack (I haven’t been very interested in food either – not a good sign) and a few other things. I even remembered my reading glasses!
So what did I do? Drove a while, sat in the car, shopped for 10 minutes and read for about twice that. Not one picture taken, not one word written. I did eat the snack though I was surprised that I was not even slightly tempted by the treats when I stopped for coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts. I did listen to a bit of music while I drove – but distractedly, not attentively. I found my mind was unfocused, like a blurry photo.
I stopped for dinner before my class because I knew I had to or my blood sugar would fall through the car floor. I wasn’t very hungry and didn’t really care what I ate.
I’m getting the chores done without problems – no piles of laundry or dishes hanging around. I’ve even pulled some weeds. But there is no passion inside that I can find. I feel like the pilot light of my passion for life was snuffed out by someone and I am not able to relight it.
This is a puzzle for me because I have always been a very passionate person. I guess I’ll have to keep looking for a spark for the pilot light.
Today my fibromyalgia has flared up in a way that it had not flared up in a while. I’m trying to convince myself that it’s because of a poor night’s sleep.
The flare-up is the overall body aching deep inside every muscle kind. If you have ever had the flu and felt the all over body aches that accompany it, you have an idea of what this kind of flare-up feels like. I took my prescription of 800 mg of ibuprofen with minimal reduction of pain. I can see a dose of my muscle relaxant in my bedtime future tonight, if I hope to get any sleep at all. It doesn’t seem fair that trying to sleep should exacerbate pain, but it can.
Oh yes, what caused the poor night’s sleep last night? It wasn’t pain. It was the second night in a row that the stereo turned on “by itself” in the middle of the night. I’d gone to bed about 11:15 pm – early of me. At 3:15 am, I awoke to Taylor Dayne singing “Soul Dancing.” Since the stereo is in another room and has not been used in days, at first I wasn’t sure what was going on. Where was the music coming from? Was I dreaming?
I finally figured it out and got up to go turn off the stereo. Do you think I could fall back to sleep? Of course not! So I got up, wide awake, because I didn’t want to wake my husband who had work in the morning. I sat here on the computer playing idle games until I was sleepy again about 5:30 am. I waited though – my husband gets up at 6 am, so I figured I ought to let him sleep.
I took my morning meds and went back to bed at 6 am. I figured, since my husband said he’d feed the cat, I would not be bothered and should be able to get a few more good hours. Wrong! I just tossed and turned, getting achier by the minute. I finally just got up again and have been here ever since.
Could it be the weather making the aches and pains worse? It’s a dank, dreary day and a thunderstorm has just rolled through. Most doctors don’t think much of the weather theory, but they aren’t in this body.
I’m going to have to go now. I need to turn on some lights because the sky has gotten grayer with the storm. I need to take some more pain medicine. The first dose never did much anyway. It’s time to make dinner – bison burgers on the grill (in a thunderstorm?).
Here’s hoping things look brighter all the way around tomorrow.