Well, be careful what you ask for.
I asked for more sponsors and what did I get – more sponsors, of course. I have that kind of life – often getting what I ask for or need. I don’t mean an excess of anything – I’m not rich by any means. I figured out long ago that whatever the universe has in store for me, it is not getting rich by winning a lottery or some other prize.
But I get what I need – including material goods like a furnace (another story, another time). I have never lacked food, heat or clothing. I don’t have much desire for material things anyway, so it works out well.
But sponsors? I asked for them because I had not had any in a few weeks and was getting concerned. Now I have 2 – actually 3, but one is already placed and I just need to get the information together.
I can hear you from here . . . So what’s my problem? I should be happy and grateful. I should be excited that I can call some families on the rez and help them with their daily life. Why I am whining about all this? Just shut up and get to work!
I think my problem is depression. Someone I am close to has be dealing with it for a couple of years now. So, my dear amateur psychologists, can it be that depression is contagious? Oh, I’ve have a few hours of depression here and there. But never have I felt like this feels – as I wrote in my last post, it feels as if someone has snuffed out the pilot light on my passion for life.
The work will get done soon. The sponsors and families will be called and connected. I will do my job. But it will be done on a superficial, intellectual level if I continue to feel like this. I will have to force myself to do something that I was doing for the joy of it just a week or so ago.
It makes me angry because I don’t think this problem stems from my work and I don’t want that to suffer. I know my writing has suffered because I have no passion for it at the moment either.
I am on too many medications already to add anymore. I am way past menopausal. I know intellectually the kinds of things to try in order to dispel this deep gloom (exercise, proper nutrition and sleep, sharing with someone) but they have not yet had any effect. I still have that feeling of something sitting on my chest (no, not a heart attack).
So if you are someone who prays or sends white light or whatever, I will take all of that right now! I think I need a small miracle so I can get back to the joy of life I used to feel. Otherwise I’ll have to list my soapbox on Craig’s list . . . I wonder what category I would place it in.